Already Drunk

Plus: A Venezuelan beauty queen, a Minnesota knucklehead, and a crying communist

Jan 09, 2026

It’s Friday, January 9, 2026.

Dr. Oz, the senior government health official, wants Americans to stop drinking alcohol for breakfast. With all due respect, man, maybe next week.

2026 has barely gotten out of bed, and it’s already too sloshed to drive. We’re all just trying to keep up. If you’re not already drunk by the time you read this—what are you even doing? You’re clearly not spending enough time on social media. Stop playing with your kids or pretending to work, go inside, pour yourself a pint of cheap gin, and scroll until you’re too angry or depressed to get off the toilet. The world’s problems aren’t going to solve themselves. We need you on the front lines.

Let’s start with the good news: Americans are coming together to denounce the unfortunate yet justified execution-style murder of an innocent agitator who accidentally made the poor decision of trying to vehicularly manslaughter a heartless law-abiding ICE agent who feared for his life in Minneapolis, of all places. Schools are canceled today due to “safety concerns.” What’s the worst that could happen?

Even better news: American special forces apprehended Nicolás Maduro on the sixth anniversary of the drone strike that killed Iranian terror boss Qassem Soleimani, may he rest in pieces. Liberals were outraged, for obvious reasons. They scolded Venezuelan refugees for celebrating. They mourned the Cuban mercenaries who died defending a dictator. They published one of the most amusing fact-checks we’ve ever seen.

What they’re saying: “It looks weak,” a Democrat told Axios while refusing to go on the record for fear of being branded an anti-communist. We’re curious to know if this anonymous Democrat joined his colleagues to commemorate the Jan. 6 Capitol tour by singing “God Bless America” at a candlelight vigil. That was awesome.

The correct take: Neocons were overjoyed because—as Tucker Carlson revealed in October—Maduro’s ouster meant the Jewish cabal could finally realize its dream of Making Venezuela Gay Again. And, honestly, using Delta Force was a lot more efficient than the old way of doing things: sending Oberlin grads in USAID uniforms to lecture impoverished children about eco-friendly dildos. Embarrassing the Russians, bombing Hugo Chávez’s tomb, and seizing the oil supply was just a tasty bonus. Stay gay out there!

Palate cleanser: Photos of Ileana Márquez, crowned Miss Venezuela in 2023.

Meanwhile, in Iran: Anti-regime protesters across the country are destroying statues of Soleimani and chanting “Death to Khamenei” as the punk-ass supreme leader cowers in his bunker and draws up plans to flee to Russia if things get out of control. You might have noticed that the “Globalize the Intifada” crowd could not be more indifferent to the courage of Iranians risking their lives to bring down a fascist theocracy—which is odd, because everyone knows “intifada” is just a harmless rallying cry for all who struggle against oppression. It has nothing to do with hating Jews.

Crucial context: The Iranian uprising comes amid the country’s worst drought in more than 50 years, which has exacerbated the economic and social tensions. How has the regime tried to address the problem? If you guessed “blame Israel for manipulating the weather,” then you’d be correct.

AMBER Alert: Speaking of anti-Semitic climate hysterics, where’s Greta Thunberg? We can’t wait to follow her forthcoming yacht trip to Iran to document the regime’s atrocities. The adult child activist is probably just sorting out some legal issues after being banned from Venice for one of her latest stunts—dumping green dye in the Grand Canal to protest climate change. Then she’ll be off to Tehran. Bon voyage!

Bottom line: If the Iranian regime collapses in the next couple of weeks, or if Greenland becomes a U.S. colony, we’ll have no choice but to rename the month of January after Donald Trump. No figure in American history can match the accomplishments he’s racked up during his presidency in the first month of the year. “Donuary,” “Trumpuary,” or just “Trump.” Credit where credit is due.

The Donroe Doctrine: As far as Greenland is concerned, overwhelming military force should always be the first option for acquiring new territory. But that doesn’t mean Trump shouldn’t explore a less aggressive option that often succeeded in settling international disputes until the feminists started complaining.

Tampon Tim pulls out: Tim Walz ended his reelection campaign for governor of Minnesota amid growing frustration over his handling of a welfare fraud scandal involving billions of taxpayer dollars. “I will fight back with everything that I have,” Walz said at a press conference explaining his decision to quit. He followed that up by suggesting that Minnesota was “at war with the federal government.” Look, just secede and join Canada already. No one is going to miss you.

Walz is best known as the prancing moron who made Kamala Harris seem shrewd and insightful by comparison. Why else would she have picked him as a running mate? Doing what comes naturally, the mainstream media incessantly praised Walz as a paragon of modern masculinity. Owning a flannel shirt and being an asshole were cited as evidence of his working-class appeal. He was supposed to help the campaign attract male voters, but he only ever looked comfortable gabbing with the ladies of the View.

Make communists cry again: Zohran Mamdani is staffing the New York City mayor’s office with like-minded radicals. His press shop includes a number of pampered socialists who cultivated their disdain for capitalism while attending some of the most exclusive and expensive prep schools in the country. Mamdani’s communications director, Anna Bahr, is a former Rachel Maddow intern and Bernie Sanders aide who graduated from Oakwood School in Los Angeles (annual tuition: $55,000). Julian Gerson, the mayor’s top speechwriter who crafted the bone-chilling line about replacing the “frigidity of rugged individualism with the warmth of collectivism,” went to the Dalton School in Manhattan (annual tuition: $67,000).

Then there’s Cea Weaver, the newly appointed director of the Mayor’s Office to Protect Tenants. An obnoxious white woman who holds degrees from Bryn Mawr and NYU, Weaver has come under fire for stating her insane beliefs on social media. She’s denounced homeownership as a “weapon of white supremacy,” argued that public policy should be engineered to “impoverish the white middle class,” and expressed a desire to abolish private homes and replace them with “public housing for everyone.” The New York Times called her a “firebrand.”

Weaver broke down in tears this week when reporters peppered her with questions outside her apartment (in gentrified Brooklyn). She ran back inside after being asked to defend the structurally racist $1.6 million house her mother owns in Tennessee. Mamdani supporters were furious. They condemned the free press—a pillar of our cherished democracy—for bothering a “young woman attempting to make the world a better place.” (Weaver is a 37-year-old public official.) Making communists cry was once considered a basic civic obligation, a time-honored American pastime.

We used to be a proper country.