Don't Take Medical Advice from Jill Biden

Plus: Democrats embrace the gutter, and Ferrari torches its brand

May 29, 2026

IT’S FRIDAY, MAY 29, 2026

Donald Trump is building a massive octagon cage at the White House to host a UFC fight on his 80th birthday. Jamie Metzl, a self-described “futurist,” former Democratic adviser, and ultramarathon freak with degrees from Brown, Harvard, and Oxford, called this a “desecration” of our national dignity. Normal Americans responded with a simple message:

Shut up, nerd.

This is the people’s house we’re talking about. Teddy Roosevelt regularly hosted—and often took part in—boxing matches there. Andrew Jackson celebrated his first inauguration by inviting the common man to come hang, then had to evacuate himself to escape the drunken mayhem. Old Hickory threw another rager on his way out the door, serving up a 1,400-pound wheel of aged cheddar that was gone in two hours.

It’s safe to say that no one woke up the next morning to go on a 50-mile run in the desert.

America has a big birthday coming up as well, and Trump has big plans to celebrate. He wants to mint a new $250 bill with his face on it, which is technically illegal but feels right. In the coming weeks, Vanilla Ice and one half of Milli Vanilli, the late-1980s Franco-German pop duo best known for pretending to sing their own songs, will perform on the National Mall.

If that doesn’t sound terribly exciting, just know that whatever happens at the White House on July 4 will be a thousand times better than whatever Kamala Harris would have subjected us to—land acknowledgments conveyed through interpretive dance, Amanda Gorman’s insufferable poetry, Lin-Manuel Miranda and the original Hamilton cast rapping about Obamacare, and countless unforeseen horrors.

America’s birthday celebration deserves the relentless pomp that only Trump can provide. We don’t need another left-wing carnival to indulge the sordid appetites of anti-American losers.

That’s what the World Cup is for.

Words of wisdom: “Can’t stand soccer,” UFC president Dana White said in 2012. “I think that it’s the least talented sport on Earth. There’s a reason three-year-olds can play soccer, OK? You run around and kick a ball. … You’re playing a game where the net is this big, right? And the score is three to one? Are you sh—ing me right now?”

NURSE WRETCHED’S FAREWELL TOUR

Jill Biden, the former first lady and assisted caregiver to the president, has a memoir coming out next month. The publicity tour kicked off this week with a series of interviews and published excerpts. It’s safe to say the esteemed doctor maintains her abiding faith in the American public’s capacity to consume utter bullshit.

For example, Jill recalled how “frightened” she was watching her husband ramble on about beating Medicare on the CNN debate stage. “I had never, ever, seen Joe like that—before or since,” she told CBS News. “I don’t know what happened. I mean, when I, as I watched it, I thought, ‘Oh my God, he’s having a stroke.’ And it scared me to death.”

Is that so? In the book, which purports to “set the record straight,” Jill recalls her first interaction with Joe as he walked off the debate stage. He wanted to know if he had “really f—ed up,” and she agreed that he had. Granted, I don’t have the ex-first lady’s medical background, but that seems like a harsh way to speak to a loved one who might be having a stroke. Unless she’s lying, which she is.

Jill did not appear to be deathly worried about Joe’s health when she joined him after the debate and told supporters how proud she was that he “answered every question” and “knew all the facts.” She could have taken him to see a real doctor. Instead they made an appearance at a local Waffle House, where Jill looked on in terror as reporters asked Joe about his performance.

Elsewhere in the book, Jill describes being worried that Sleepy Joe had accidentally “drugged” himself with sleeping pills or cough syrup. That she presents this as a plausible scenario does little to dispel concerns that the president’s brain was not functioning and she knew all along.

In any event, you should definitely buy the book. The Bidens clearly need the money. Things have gotten so bad that Hunter is doing chummy interviews with Candace Owens. He recently joined X and started posting about his crappy art and alleged sobriety.

Do it for Dr. Jill, the lying quack whose all-consuming lust for power likely saved us from the indignities of a Kamala Harris presidency. Here’s to many more happy years of defending Joe Biden’s dignity on the national stage.

WHEN THEY GO LOW, WE GO BACK TO MIDDLE SCHOOL

Trump adviser Stephen Miller congratulated James Talarico for becoming the first “transgender” candidate to win the Democratic nomination for U.S. Senate in Texas. Democrats were offended because Talarico is not openly transgender, he’s just a normal vegan-aligned straight dude who claims to have a girlfriend and once likened racism to a “virus” white people spread wherever they go.

Are they offended when Gavin Newsom suggests that Lindsey Graham uses kneepads to fellate Donald Trump? Of course not. That’s homo-empowering.

The official Democratic Party X account responded by telling Miller to “shut up you ugly f—.” It appears to have been written by a 30-year-old Barnard graduate named Paulina, who is kind of attractive but also statistically likely to have a mental illness given her age, gender, and political affiliation. Her colleagues made a cake to congratulate her for clapping back at “Temu Hitler.”

Look, we’re just going to have to get used to this sort of thing if the idea of Gen Z internment camps is off the table. These people have spent their entire adult lives staring into their phones. There’s no civility on the internet, and the internet is everything, especially to the weirdos who work in politics and “create” “content” for a living.

It’ll be just like the early days of the republic, when politicians routinely accused one another of being witchcraft-adjacent, Satan-worshiping plutocrats who supported the teaching of incest in school. The news will be just as reliable as it was back then thanks to AI and the fact that young people don’t know how to read—an endless stream of vulgar slop read aloud in a robotic voice, blaring from a phone speaker in a public place.

And America will endure, because it must. Internment camps would be easier, though.

VARIOUS & SUNDRY

This is the future liberals want: An ugly European-made electric car that everyone hates and that costs $640,000, or roughly eight times the price of a Ford F-150 Platinum. Ferrari unveiled its new Luce EV this week at a photo-op with Pope Leo XIV, further delighting liberals who will never admit that their climate-obsessed cult is a form of organized religion. ABC News reported, somewhat charitably, that the hideous, brand-crushing twee machine was “met with market skepticism.”

Socialists are cheap dates (because someone else is always paying): Zohran Mamdani fans took a victory lap after the left-wing New York City mayor unveiled his plan to spend $28 billion on 200,000 affordable housing units over the next decade. “Once again, the most effective democratic politician is a fucking socialist and that is not a coincidence,” squealed a professional poster of middling renown.

Sure, congrats on the successful press release. There are few things Democrats love more than a good press release posing as an accomplishment. In 2021, the Biden administration allocated $42 billion for a “broadband equity” program to bring internet access to rural and underserved areas. By the time Biden left office, the program had connected zero homes thanks to the Democratic Party’s relentless devotion to incompetently managed bureaucracy.

Let’s check back in 10 years and see how everything panned out, especially since the program will be partially funded by taxpayer money freed up thanks to another Mamdani victory for “effective” socialist governance—deferring payments to the city’s pension funds until after he leaves office.

Meanwhile, in Chicago: The Democratic brain is a marvel to behold. Mayor Brandon Johnson vowed to crack down on the violent youths running rampant in his city by taxing social media companies and holding them “accountable” for helping young people coordinate their antisocial meetups. In 2023, Johnson joined Democratic leaders across the country in their effort to crackdown on car theft by suing Kia and Hyundai for making cars that were too easy to steal. The press release was pretty impressive, to be fair.

PALATE CLEANSER

Please enjoy these images of soccer players pretending to injure themselves: