It’s Friday, November 7, 2025.
November is off to a hot start. Some of you might have heard about the elections that happened this week. The results are worth discussing, but we should start with a few things that actually matter, such as the controversy erupting at the Miss Universe pageant in Thailand. The main event takes place later this month, but earlier this week, a Thai businessman who helped organize the pageant was caught on video berating Miss Mexico, aka Fátima Bosch, for reasons we couldn’t be bothered to ascertain. In the interest of providing the crucial context our readers crave, Miss Mexico is pictured below:
Bosch may or may not be a strong contender to win this year’s crown, but we are hearing some early title buzz about Miss Colombia, seen here:
Sydney Sweeney, the talented actress and spokesmodel, finally weighed in on the scandal surrounding her American Eagle ad campaign. Liberals were outraged that a clothing company would hire an attractive woman to help them sell jeans. There was some online shrieking about Nazi eugenics, and debate about whether Americans should be free to love boobs. Sweeney sided with the normals, obviously. “I don’t really let other people define who I am,” she told GQ magazine. “I did a jean ad. I mean, the reaction definitely was a surprise, but I love jeans.”
In related news, Sweeney rocked a “flippy bob” and “micro hot pants” at the NASCAR Cup Championship in Phoenix:
So Long, America’s Dick: Our enemies trembled when he stood firm and tall. Dick Cheney, the beloved wartime vice president, oil executive, and strapping outdoorsman, died this week at 84. He was one year and nine months older than Joe Biden. A man of unmatched swagger and resolve, Cheney’s greatness was accentuated by the depravity of his critics. They abhorred his love of country and hatred of terrorists. Dick told them to go f— themselves.
With George W. Bush at his side, Cheney helped America heal from the trauma of the Sept. 11 attacks by rekindling our passion for killing terrorists and striking fear in the hearts of our enemies. He pioneered enhanced interrogation techniques that led to the death of Osama bin Laden and saved us from catastrophe by defeating the Kerry-Edwards ticket in 2004.
America’s Dick was a man among boys. Almost no one looks cool in a cowboy hat; Cheney did. Most people who accidentally shoot their hunting companion feel compelled to apologize; Cheney’s victim apologized for getting in the way. The man survived five heart attacks and demonstrated his wisdom at an early age by dropping out of Yale to avoid being brainwashed by communists. Rest in power, king.
Read our obituary here.
Fat Terrorist Update: Remember, it’s not always wrong to fat shame. Mohmed Ali, one of the terrorists arrested in Dearborn, Mich., for plotting to carry out a mass shooting at bars and nightclubs, has some junk in his trunk and some breast in his chest. He never would have made it past the monkey bars on the al Qaeda obstacle course. Maybe ISIS, the terrorist group Ali’s comrades were planning to join, has more inclusive standards.
Democracy, No Longer Dead: Notwithstanding the liberal hysteria about how Trump’s victory in 2024 would mean the end of all future elections, voters went to the polls this week and delivered a resounding win for Democrats, who didn’t particularly deserve it. The esteemed pundits at MSNBC insisted that Trump’s decision to remodel the White House was a significant factor. That might even be true. Normal people don’t care, obviously, but most normal people don’t vote in off-year elections. The electorate seems to have been largely comprised by the sort of politics-obsessed weirdos who do this:
All the post-election prognosticating about “what it means” ignores the simple fact that no one knows anything—prediction is futile. So, here are the key takeaways from the major races.
Virginia: The state’s voters, especially the pampered D.C. suburbanites who have amassed small fortunes on the backs of hardworking taxpayers, simply weren’t ready to elect an accomplished woman of color (Winsome Earle-Sears) who faced racist headwinds and double standards that her white opponent (Abigail Spanberger) did not. They also elected an attorney general (Jay Jones) who fantasized about murdering a Republican lawmaker and his children. That’s not very encouraging.
New York City: It really happened. Zohran Mamdani won the mayoral election. The trust-fund communist promised to improve the lives of working people by giving away free stuff, which explains why some of his biggest margins were among voters with advanced degrees. Alas, the drinks weren’t even free at Mamdani’s victory party, and he’s still asking for donations to fund his “transition.” Alex Soros, the billionaire scion, celebrated by posting a photo of himself hosting Mamdani—who wants to abolish billionaires—at his luxury penthouse. “The American dream continues!” he wrote in the caption.
Indeed. Soros will be just fine. He won’t be riding the free buses toilets teeming with drugged-up vagrants. Actually implementing these radical changes won’t be easy. Wonder who Mamdani will blame if things don’t go as planned?
Here’s a charming image from the Mamdani victory (sausage) party:
Kyle Kulinski, who wasn’t cool enough to be invited, also celebrated. Best known for smearing Erika Kirk as a “fake grieving widow grifter,” Kulinski resembles a recently divorced DJ getting ready to blast “I Believe I Can Fly” at a middle-school dance in 1997.
Cuomosexual Dysfunction: Mamdani won in no small part because the only viable alternative was Andrew Cuomo, who has suffered quite the political downfall. In 2020, Cuomo was the most popular Democratic politician in the country. As governor of New York, liberals praised his Trump-bashing response to the COVID-19 pandemic, and giggled through his interviews with his younger brother Chris on CNN, even as he was busing seniors off to their deaths. There was even talk of Cuomo replacing Joe Biden as the Democratic nominee for president. He became a bona fide sex symbol, not unlike convicted felon Michael Avenatti, and started flaunting his pierced nipples in public. Democrats really know how to pick ‘em.
Crazy Nancy Cashes Out: Nancy Pelosi announced her retirement from Congress on Thursday, marking the end of a historic career. From our solemn remembrance:
Nancy Pelosi, the wildly successful investor and power-lusting Democrat who made history as the first octogenarian to serve as speaker of the House, is finally calling it quits. Pelosi, 85, announced Thursday she will retire from Congress when her term expires next year. “With a grateful heart, I look forward to my final year of service as your representative,” the iron-fisted stalwart said in a video message to constituents.
Pelosi, who has represented the filth-infested crime hole of San Francisco since 1987, is best known for flaunting her imposing jugs at an Italian beach resort in 2022. Her other notable achievements include amassing a personal fortune of up to $400 million thanks to her husband Paul Pelosi’s exceedingly well-timed stock trades, and almost single-handedly prying the Democratic nomination from Joe (and Jill) Biden’s rigor mortis grip in 2024. That same year, she became the first member of Congress to have hip replacement surgery in Luxembourg. Advocates of symbolic diversity have also praised Pelosi for becoming the first female speaker of the House in 2007 and serving as party leader for 15 years.
Read the whole thing here.
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I think he should be known as jones the assassin.