Sorry For Killing Those Terrorists
Plus: A glaring omission from our list of hot NFL wives
It's Friday, September 5, 2025
Last week's newsletter didn't happen on account of the birth of my son. This week's edition will be short and sweet. It goes without saying that being a dad is great. Having boys is even better—especially if they're good at sports. If not, they're liable to become resentful libs who "care about the environment" and find "beauty" in soccer.
Bless their hearts: There are few things Democrats love more than lying about being rich, galavanting with celebs, and feeling sorry for criminals. This week, we saw examples of all three.
Rep. Ilhan Omar (D., Minn.) lashed out at the Washington Free Beacon for reporting on public documents that she signed. Omar's financial disclosure showed she has a net worth of up to $30 million, undermining her claim that it was "categorically false" to call her a millionaire. In Omar's defense, she might actually be too dumb to understand how net worth is calculated. She insisted (rather astonishingly) that assets valued at millions of dollars—a house, for example—do not count towards her net worth if they produce no income. She serves on the House Budget Committee.
Rep. Nancy "Jugs" Pelosi (D., Calif.), who has amassed a personal fortune of more than $260 million thanks to her husband's remarkable talent for buying and selling shares of companies with business before the U.S. government, doesn't even pretend to be poor. She spent her August recess at a swanky Italian villa on Lake Como where rooms go for as much as $3,000 a night. Maryland governor Wes Moore was also in the area. The prospective 2028 presidential candidate was spotted sunbathing on George Clooney's yacht.
Ryan Goodman is a law professor who served as "special counsel to the general counsel of the Department of Defense" under former president Barack H. Obama. He has a law degree from Yale, obviously. The Democratic lawyer whined like a bitch this week after Donald Trump killed nearly a dozen members of a Venezuelan narco-terrorist cartel by blowing up their speedboat in the Caribbean.
"I worked at DoD," Goodman groused with the sneering passion of a liberal wine mom scolding the Latinx nanny for refusing to address her son with they/them pronouns. "I literally cannot imagine lawyers coming up with a legal basis for lethal strike of suspected Venezuelan drug boat. Hard to see how this would not be 'murder' or war crime under international law that DoD considers applicable."
Counterpoint: Shut the f— up, you insufferable nerd.
Love is love: Cory Booker, 56, got "engaged" this week to a woman who appears to identify as female. We can safely say that we've never seen a normal straight man appear as deliriously happy as Booker does in these photos. Congrats!
Reminder: Canada sucks. They might love criminals even more than American libs.
Jim MacSween, a regional police chief in the godforsaken hellhole, gave a press conference this week urging residents not to defend themselves and their families in the event of a home invasion. "Do not engage unless absolutely necessary," he said. "The best defense for most people is to comply."
Trump was right to call off the military takeover (Operation Fool Aboot and Find Oot). As easy as Canada would be to conquer, it's just not worth the effort. They will conquer themselves soon enough.
CORRECTION: Several readers reached out to complain about our exclusive report on the NFL wives and girlfriends who are hotter, more talented, and have better personalities than Travis Kelce's new fiancée, aging starlet Taylor Swift. One said it was "outrageous" that Christen Harper Goff, wife of Detroit Lions quarterback Jared Goff, was not included on our list of babes.
Indeed it was.
A review of our editorial process found that Goff was thoroughly vetted yet ultimately omitted for reasons that defy explanation. We sincerely apologize for the oversight. We understand that failing to publish voluptuous photos of Christen Harper Goff in our report has caused many readers and employees of the Free Beacon to fear for their physical safety. That is unacceptable, and we promise to do better in the future.
In an effort to right this egregious wrong, we are publishing the missing photos below for your immediate gratification. Enjoy!
May Goff
Have mercy
On our souls
Email: stiles@freebeacon.com
If you have friends, tell them to subscribe to the Stiles Section newsletter.
Send them here.
I never heard of Goff before but now she's my favorite celebrity. I want more articles, and photos. The rest of the stuff you wrote was just OK.
I appreciate the photographs of May Goff and am now reassured that your vetting process has been corrected and duly enhanced, but the photos did leave me wondering. Does the marvellous Ms. May have additional limbs or appendages??